


Fathers

by DarthAstris



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Emperor Hux, Emperor Kylo Ren, I feel like I need a warning for how bloody soft this is since it's coming from me, M/M, Ugh, seriously, so soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 18:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11904084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthAstris/pseuds/DarthAstris
Summary: Hux is worried about his ability to love, and jealous that he can't seem to bond with their daughter the way Kylo can.  Perhaps a family vacation is just what they need.Written for the Kylux Big Bang 2017: Reverse Bang! Inspired by the wonderful art of Zaera-D! (tumblr: https://zaera-d.tumblr.com/)





	Fathers

 

Hux watched the baby girl bouncing on his lap, her tiny, soft hands wrapped around his fingers -- _so innocent, so vulnerable_ \-- and wondered if he were doing the right thing.

Kylo, who’d been cooing at her and poking her tummy to make her giggle, looked up at his husband when he felt his mood darken.  Their daughter stopped laughing and stared at him, too.  With two sets of knowing eyes suddenly on him, Hux’s anxiety climbed a notch higher.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing, I-I was just thinking…”

“You’ve been doing too much of that lately.” Kylo said, and turned back to grin at and tickle their daughter some more. “Isn’t that right, sweetheart? Daddy thinks too much. Too much noise in that big brain of his!”

“Dada!” she cooed, letting go of Hux and reaching her chubby arms out toward Kylo with complete trust.  Even at barely one year of age, she knew her daddy would never let her fall.  Hux smiled as Kylo floated her upward with the Force and then took her into his arms to blow on her belly, both of them laughing at the rude noise.

It was a beautiful scene.  Everything Hux could have hoped for.  _And yet…_

Hux was afraid -- _terrified_ \-- of fracking up.  He had researched, and read, and studied, and interviewed, and observed, but he still had no idea what it was like to _be_ a child.  Especially not how to raise one.  Not with the unexpected ease and grace Kylo had.  The way Kylo seemed to connect with her made Hux seethe with jealousy, but if he were being completely honest with himself, at the root of it was fear.  Plain and simple.  Fear that he would hurt her, somehow.

It was a painful realization to come to, watching the two of them interact -- that he could never understand what it was like because he had never been allowed to be a child, himself.  No one had ever lifted him into the air and let him pretend to fly.  No one had ever made him feel safe in their arms.  If they had done, he couldn't remember it.

He’d never been allowed to do the sorts of things that seemed to come naturally to her, and perhaps to all children. 

Play. Explore. Cry. Laugh.

Like the sting of a fire wasp, the pain went deep, spreading its venom of self-doubt.  But, in the end, it only made him more determined to give her everything he never had.   Hux, who had never done a selfless thing in his life, realized he would give up his crown, his galaxy, his _life_ , to ensure her happiness.

“We need to get out of here.”

Kylo’s words startled him out of his melancholy thoughts.  “What? Why?” Hux glanced around the mostly empty throne room, alert for any signs of danger.

“No, no, we’re safe,” he smiled, rubbing his husband's thigh reassuringly before he stood. “I just meant we should get out of here, like, a vacation.”

“A vacation?” The word was not foreign to Hux, though the concept was.  As the emperor of the known galaxy, he couldn’t just up and leave. He had supplicants to meet with, trials to attend, statements to issue, laws and amendments to approve... “From what?”

“From… this,” Kylo balanced their daughter in one arm while gesturing around the room as if it were obvious to everyone but Hux.

Hux raised a skeptical eyebrow, still not quite sure of his husband’s meaning.

“Ok, then,” Kylo tapped a finger on Hux’s temple, “from _this_.”

“You do realize that comes with me, no matter where we go?”

“Oh, for frack’s s— you know what I mean!”

Hux smirked.  He did know what Kylo meant, but it was still fun to irritate him sometimes.  “A vacation, hmm? To where?”

 

* * *

 

 

“What in the Vulpinus Nebula is that smell?”

“It’s a spaceport, Hux.”

Hux wrinkled his nose. “It’s… disgusting.” He looked around for the source of the offensive scent, but it seemed to be emanating from all places at once, only slightly varying in its repulsiveness depending on which direction he turned. “Oh, darlin’, no. Don’t touch that,” he exclaimed as their daughter reached out for some sort of dried sea creature on a string, hanging from a nearby vendor’s booth.  Gathering her up close in his arms, he turned away so that the unappetizing-looking thing was out of her reach.  She started to sniffle, then hiccup, then cry.

Sighing, Hux bounced her a bit and patted her back. “There, there… you don’t really want that nasty, smelly thing, do you?”

“She does.” Kylo grinned, “Actually, so do I.” He passed a few credits to the Nemoidian vendor and thanked him in his own language, tore off a piece of the jerky with his teeth, and handed it to their daughter.  Fascinated, she stopped crying and held it, turning it over and over in her clumsy hands before jamming a corner of it into her mouth and gnawing on it. 

"Kylo!" Hux hissed, "What if she tries to swallow it? She could choke!"

"You worry too much, Tage.  She's fine.  See?"

Hux's face contorted with worry as she slobbered on the bit of stinky fish and squeaked in delight.

"It's a dried Nemoidian Seajelly.  Good for teething.  The neurotoxins in it help numb the pain," Kylo said, noshing on his own chunk of the stuff.  “It’s good,” he slurred around a mouthful of the leathery substance.

 _Neurotoxins?_ _You're giving her poison?_ Hux wanted to argue, but he knew it was only because he felt that jealous guilt creeping in again.  Kylo would never deliberately harm their daughter, but how did he know so much about this sort of thing? Instead, Hux made a snide comment to cover up his insecurities. "You have the literal restraint of a one year old. Congratulations."

They made their way through the throng of travelers, Hux keeping his hood up to cover his distinctive red hair, and Kylo doing whatever trickery he did with the Force to discourage people from paying too much attention to them.  Hux didn't understand this either: Kylo's insistence that traveling as ordinary people would somehow "enhance" the experience.  He would much rather have taken their private yacht, under the protection of their loyal guards, without having to mill around through all these sweaty bodies and strange odors, and no doubt even stranger diseases.  He felt too exposed out here, even with someone as capable as Kylo by his side.

"Two adults, one child, transit class, for Keren City, Naboo. You don't need to see our identification."  Kylo waved his credit chip in the air and plunked it down in front of the Koorivar ticket agent.

"Right you are, sir. I don't need to see any identification," she smiled, speaking in soft sibilants and gesturing politely as she ran the chip through her computer and returned it. She handed him two data disks with their ticket information and waved at the baby. "That'll be flight 227 Nern-Besh, departing from gate 47 aurek for Keren City, Naboo, currently running on time at 10:35, and scheduled to arrive at 06:50 local time, sir. Have a nice flight!"

"Thank you, Essil," Hux read from her name tag and spoke a proper farewell for her people, "<Peace of the Morning Light to you.>"  He had bothered to learn so many customary greetings and cultural tidbits over his last three years as a fledgling emperor, that he might as well put them to use when he could.

As they lined up at the gate, Kylo leaned over to whisper, "I know you want to be polite, Tage, but that's just the kind of thing that will give us away. No one here would have known that phrase.  At least, not anyone human."

"Can't you just, I don't know, bamboozle them with the Force?" Hux mimicked the mind-control hand wave.

" _I'm_ trying to blend in too, you know," Kylo sighed, "So I'd rather not have to do it to everyone we meet if it's not necessary."

"Fine." Hux rolled his eyes.

"You don't have to be a dick, just... try to be less Emperor-y."

"Would you rather I use words like 'Emperor-y', then?" he smirked.

"Or, be a dick; that's fine, too," Kylo grinned back.

The gate agent scanned their ticket chips and they embarked in a quick and orderly fashion.  The ship was clean but was an older model steeped in a slightly oily smell, as though constant maintenance were a necessity. It reminded Kylo of the _Falcon_. 

Hux paused as Kylo took his seat.  Their extremely tiny, cramped seats.

"What in blazes is this?"

"Tage, sit down, you're blocking the aisle."

"Well, I wouldn't be blocking the aisle if we had booked reasonable passage, or taken our own ship," he grumbled as he shuffled into the seat, taking care not to squish their daughter.

"It's only six hours."

"Six hours?" Hux nearly shouted before he realized the baby was sleeping and shifted to a harsh whisper, "What do you mean, 'six hours'? It's only 23 minutes and 9 seconds from Coruscant to Naboo!"

"Yeah, on a Star Destroyer with access to military hyperlanes. This is just an AA-9 freighter with SSP clearance."

Hux leaned back -- _if one could call this leaning back_ \-- closed his eyes, and sighed. "Remind me again, why I agreed to this?"

"Because you needed to get away as much as I did, and remind yourself to appreciate the finer things we have in life," Kylo grinned, "And because you love me."

"Remind me again, why I love you?"

Kylo laughed and leaned over to nuzzle against Hux's neck. "You know why..."

"Ky! Don't! You're making a scene!"

"No one's looking, Tage," Kylo whispered, hot breath ticking the little hairs along Hux's neck.

Sensing her father's distress, the baby started fidgeting and fussing in her sleep.

Hux seized the opportunity. "Stop it, you'll wake the baby."

Kylo settled back into his seat, fidgeting to get comfortable, or what Hux supposed passed for comfort in this inferior transport.  He closed his eyes and sighed, in an over-dramatic imitation of Hux’s earlier gesture, "Cockblocked by my own daughter... For shame. Well, just imagine what we can get up to once we land, and we have a nice, secluded cabin out on the mesas, all to ourselves.  No one would be able to hear anything over the waterfalls..."

"Well, that's a relief," Hux smirked, "No one will be disturbed by the baby crying over the fact that her father is a complete ass."

"You love it."

"I suppose."

Hux did love it. The give and take. The often infuriating comments and conversations that led to the most passionate sex. And now, with the arrival of their daughter, seeing facets of Kylo he never suspected lie under that brash, posturing exterior.

More importantly, seeing them in himself.

Hux had not thought himself capable of something as selfless and vulnerable as love.  Feelings were a weakness; one that he’d fought to overcome ever since he was a tiny child, not much older than his own daughter, and reinforced time and again -- from his father’s abuses, to the bullying and assaults at school and all through the academy, and well into his adult, military life.  Raw ambition and the ruthless pursuit of power were encouraged, but hope? Even desire? Never something so prosaic.  Expressing even the most minuscule eagerness could be enough to get one stabbed in the back.  Everything must remain hidden, or, better yet, not felt at all.

 _But now_ … With Kylo, things were different. 

It had taken time, of course.  These changes were not wrought in a man so iron bound overnight.  But Kylo -- feared and admired for his strength and his dark powers -- had dared to show gentleness, had the gall to behave in a considerate and empathetic manner toward Hux after a night of rough sex had left him trembling from memories long thought buried.  The audacity, the very _idea_ that someone should be kind to him for kindness’ sake… Hux couldn’t fathom it.  Nor could he understand why, for the first time in his life, he hadn’t immediately sought to exploit that sensitivity in Ren.

Something about the man had touched on some caged desire, deep down in the recesses of Hux’s bitter heart.  A need to be loved.  To be cared for by someone.

_Disgusting._

Even now, after years of loving attention and being doted on by his husband, his first instinct was to scoff at such foolishness.

He couldn’t just let himself be loved. It was weak.

 _Weak and useless and stupid and_ —

“Hey,” Kylo whispered, sensing his husband’s growing distress, “I thought we agreed; none of _that_.”  He reached over to tuck a few errant strands of Hux’s fiery hair behind his ear.

“I was just—”

“Shh, not today. Please. Preferably not ever.”

Kylo sensed a spike of frustration from Hux, but he quieted down, both verbally and mentally at his husband’s soothing touch.

He wanted to accuse Kylo of some kind of Jedi wizardry for how easily his touch calmed his troubled thoughts, but, for once, maybe it wouldn’t be _so_ bad to just feel _nice_ for a while.

 

* * *

 

 

The transport made a satisfactory landing at Kwilaan Starport, and Hux found himself feeling quite rested and ready to tolerate whatever other inconveniences Kylo had scheduled.  The stiff and unforgiving seat had actually done wonders for his back, and he felt his mood rising, though he’d never admit it after having made such a show of irritation earlier.  Their daughter, unimpressed with the novelty of flight, had slept through the entire ride and was still nestled against Hux’s chest, drooling peacefully.

Kylo, on the other hand, grumbled as he got up.  That is, until he caught Hux glancing his way.  He wasn’t about to let on that any of this had bothered him after all the needling it had taken to convince Hux to come along, and after all the “fun” he’d promised it would be.  He pulled their luggage from the overhead bins and followed Hux out into the cool morning air of Keren City.

The breeze smelled of the sea, of salted fish and sun oils, and aside from the sunny brightness gleaming all around them, it reminded Hux of his homeworld.  Hux kept his hood up, though it was unlikely anyone would recognize him in this bustling but small city.  All around them in the early morning light, traders loaded or off-loaded their cargo, merchants haggled over prices and quality, and peddlers hawked their wares.

They barely had time to take in the sights of the colorful market, the beautiful vista of green-roofed buildings, or the massive lake beyond before all the hustle and bustle around them woke their daughter.  She stirred, making a small noise of irritation as she stretched her little arms and kicked a few times in frustration.

"She's getting fussy."

"Here," Kylo stopped and shrugged off his shoulder bag.  He rummaged around in it for a few seconds and pulled out a well-loved, dilapidated tooka and a brand new, fuzzy bantha doll. He held them out one at a time for her, wiggling them to distract her from the crying fit she was gearing up for.  "Sweetheart, do you want Tookie or Banban?"

"Tookie!" She squealed, reaching out for the ratty, old doll.

Hux stopped short of a disgusted sneer, but his pinched brow still gave away his discomfort. "We really should get her a new one of those."

"Why? She likes it. It's clean, even if it doesn't look it."

Looking over the matted fur, slick with slobber, and the crooked, half-chewed ear of the stuffed animal, Hux had his doubts about its cleanliness.

"I suppose."

In any case it served its purpose, at least until they boarded the open-air speeder that would take them to their retreat.  Their daughter cooed in delight at the coastline whipping by, and all of the brightly colored birds that circled overhead.  Kylo and Hux took turns pointing out various flowers and wildlife, repeating their names over and over to hopefully build her knowledge and vocabulary of things.  Herds of grazing nerfs, much bigger than Kylo imagined (though he’d been called a nerf-herder repeatedly by his irritable husband, he’d never actually seen one in the flesh), and wild shaaks stole the show with their balloon-like bodies, but after the third or fourth sighting of a wild eopie, she waved her hands excitedly and shrieked, "Eppee! Eppee!" over and over.

"Very good, darlin'! You're right! That's an eopie! Wave to the eopie!" Hux grinned, ecstatic that she was displaying so much joy at learning, and so quickly for her age.  Kylo smiled too, happy to see his daughter having fun and Hux seeming so lost in the moment, delighted and relieved that they were connecting in a way Hux feared they couldn't.  

Then he saw her empty hands and felt his stomach knot in apprehension.  Without alerting Hux, Kylo started looking around the passenger seat and the floor, trying to remain calm and casual.

She hadn't dropped Tookie on the floor, or the seat.  Hux's lap appeared equally devoid of stuffed toys.

"Stang," Kylo groaned, looking in the open baby bag as a last resort.

"Can you find more eopie? What's that?" Hux pointed out at a large family of falumpasets, directing his daughter's attention to the lumbering beasts. "Is that an eopie?" Hux glanced over his shoulder to see what his husband was swearing about.

"No no no!" She shook her head. "No eppee!"

"That's right!" Hux smiled, though he was having trouble maintaining his guise of excitement as he realized with dread what Kylo was looking for. "That's a falumpaset! Can you say falumpaset? Daddy can barely say falumpaset…"

She babbled an incoherent string of syllables and giggled at her own nonsense.

They locked eyes over the bouncing baby, each searching for the answer to what they should do in the other's gaze.

Hux found himself pleasantly surprised by Kylo's loss of direction.  He always seemed so perfectly at ease with fatherhood, and so certain of what needed to be done in any given situation involving their daughter; to see Kylo as desperate and lost as he often felt was sort of a relief.  Guilt clouded his short-lived joy, however, knowing that their intuitive daughter was bound to pick up on their shared nervousness, and soon.  And, once she realized her precious Tookie was missing, she would be inconsolable.

“Driver,” Hux addressed the droid pilot in as calm a voice as possible, so as not to indicate any sense of urgency that their daughter might catch, “We need to turn back.  We’ve lost something along the roadside.”

“As you wish, sir.”  The droid replied in equally soothing tones.  “Shall I slow the pace of our transit to human levels of ocular scanning speed?”

“Yes, that would be appreciated.”

It was Kylo’s turn to be surprised.  He knew Hux disapproved of the old rag doll, and Kylo had never known him to act on any decision that wasn’t logical or practical.  This testing the waters of empathy was something to be congratulated, but Kylo didn’t want to call attention to it and embarrass him.

“Don’t you think we should take our things out to the cottage first?” Kylo asked.

“No. The sooner we find T-O-O-K-I-E the less chance we have of being subjected to a system-wide hyperdrive meltdown.”

“Good point.”

They backtracked at a much slower speed, occasionally hopping out to search through any thick brambles or dense grass while the other played the dangerous game of Keep-The-Baby-Distracted.  

Before they could make it all the way back to the area of the last known sighting of Tookie in their daughter’s hands, the speeder slowed to a stop.  The massive herd of nerfs they’d seen earlier was on the move, making their way across the road, grazing on the long blades of grass by the roadside as they ambled along in no great hurry.  Kylo marveled at the size of the giant, docile creatures.  Amidst the sea of undulating backs and tails, a bull reared his massive horned head and eyed the hovering landspeeder with curiosity.  His wary glare dared them to approach any closer.

Kylo and Hux stared in horror as a young calf bounded alongside its mother, kicking playfully and tossing something purple and yellow and green and very familiar into the air before catching it in its mouth again.

“Tookie!” their daughter yelled, flailing about.

She wasn’t crying… yet.  So far, the sight of the young nerf playing with her toy thrilled her.

So far.

Hux stared at the bull for a moment before handing off their little girl to Kylo.  “Hold on to her, I’ll get it back.”

“What?” Kylo objected without even knowing quite what it was that he was objecting to as Hux hopped out of the speeder, stripped off his cloak, coat, shirt and even his undershirt, and tossed them onto the seat.  “What in the Nine Hells do you think you’re doing?”

“Getting Tookie back.”

“Hux,” Kylo hissed at him as Hux moved toward the herd in the slow motion reserved for nightmares. “Hux, no!”

In the same calm voice Hux reserved for issuing Imperial edicts, he said, “Kylo. Trust me.”

Kylo could hardly believe the confident -- _Insane!_ \-- way Hux approached the wall of sinew and raw strength that could crush him with a single kick.  The bull began to paw and stamp at the ground, but Hux continued his measured pace until he seemed to reach an invisible sort of barrier where the cows nearest him raised their heads as one.  Hux stopped and stood still, and began to speak soft, soothing words that Kylo couldn’t understand.

“ _Siid. Siid, am’nah. Ii atarh noum hasim. Shach f’ar nabet tooka ii’svim, neh?_ ”

Kylo tensed as the bull lowered his head.  He could feel the caged aggression begging for release under its rippling hide.  Hux, on the other hand, gave off a deep calm and fearlessness that Kylo had never sensed in him, not even in the midst of the fiercest battles where Hux thrived.  Closing his eyes, Kylo gasped at the sight of Hux in the Force -- radiant, shining with a profound sense of peace, as if the will of the Force itself were flowing through him.

“ _Siid, am’nah. Lo, lo. Miwarh?_ _Ii atarh noum hasim._ ”

The calf and his mother meandered closer, inspecting Hux with curiosity.  Even the calf stood as tall as he did, and easily weighed ten times Hux’s weight. 

“ _Lo… lo… cas’tar._ _Shach f’ar nabet tooka ii’svim, neh?_ ”

Hux waited a while, watching for signs of acceptance -- a lowered shoulder here, a slow blink there -- and put his hand out for them to sniff at his fingers.  Behind them, the big bull snorted and huffed, continuing his display of dominance.  Even though these gentle giants weren’t carnivorous, they could be violent if threatened.  He knew the cow could clamp down and grind his hand off in one smooth motion if her mothering instincts told her he was a danger to her calf.  One deliberate head-butt could crush him.  Her hoof could punch through his chest like a spike through a thin sheet of paper.  But Hux didn’t think about any of that.  He kept his mind clear and his posture relaxed and inviting, whispering gentle words that he’d spoken long ago, on a planet that seemed like it had existed in another lifetime.

Eventually, the calf stepped up to butt his head against Hux’s chest in a playful gesture, and dropped the sodden toy into his hand.  Hux took it and moved it behind his back, wiggling it at Kylo as he used his other hand to smooth the young nerf’s flank. 

It took Kylo a moment to snap out of his daze and realize what it was that Hux wanted him to do.  He’d been mesmerized by the scene before him; even the baby had gone quiet, in awe of her father.  Kylo used the Force to pull Tookie from Hux’s hand and float it back to their waiting daughter.

Hux stayed a moment more, scratching the calf’s shoulder and its mother’s chin. “ _Vasor'atarh,_ ” he said, and backed away.

Kylo still hadn’t regained his senses when Hux made it back to the speeder, step by slow, backwards step so as not to spook the bull or encourage it to attack. 

Hux was not Force sensitive, not that Kylo had ever been able to discern; and he had checked, many times. “Hux, what—” he stammered, “What did you… What _was_ that?”

“What was what?” he said, casually pulling on his many layers of clothing.

“ _That_! What you just— Wait, why did you have to take your clothes off?”

Hux smiled, amused that Kylo, with all his experience of the wilderness, didn’t know.  “I needed to seem small.  Non-threatening.  That bull doesn’t know me.  If he’d been one of mine, I would have taken the opposite approach.”

“One of you— When did you ever have nerfs?”

Hux finished dressing and hopped back into the speeder beside his husband, taking the baby back into his arms.  She stared up at him with love in her big, brown eyes as though she understood how much danger he’d just placed himself in for the sake of her happiness.  “Dada!” she giggled, wrapping her arms around him.  Hux gave her a quick peck on the forehead and grinned.

“When I was a boy, on Arkanis,” he shrugged. “I grew up around them.  It often fell to me to bring in the herd when the bombardments started up, because I was the smallest and they liked me.”

Kylo smiled at him, silent for a long time, just looking at the man he loved and marveling that even after all this time there was still so much about him he hadn’t learned.  Rather than despairing that he hadn’t completely unwrapped the mystery that was Hux, he hoped it would be like this for the rest of their lives.  Little moments like this that brightened their understanding and brought a new appreciation of each other.

“Sirs, shall I continue on our course to the cabin?” The droid’s tinny voice grated through the moment.

“Yes, for frack’s sake, just shut up and go,” Kylo snapped at the driver.

For Hux, the moment had not been ruined.  It had only just begun.  He looked down at his daughter’s smiling face and blinked away the tears of happiness in his eyes.  Yes, he would do anything for her.  He had never been more certain of anything in his life.

“For being such a scruffy nerf-herder, your dada certainly doesn’t know much about nerfs, does he, Leia?”


End file.
